This is such a long time in coming. And for so many of you who have been asking, praying, wondering, sending messages about our sweet girl, you have no idea how much it all means to us. There have been so many times during this process, especially after having been matched that I haven't been able to find the words to pray because there's been so many twists and turns, ups and downs but I knew that there were so many praying FOR us. There were many times when I didn't know what to do with what was being thrown at us. And just like the roller coaster pictured, this summer threw our family so many unexpected's, so many highs and lows and a huge, tremendous loss. And over the course of the summer, I thought I could see what God's plans were with the adoption delays that were coming our way, but then something else would come up and I would be baffled yet again. Just like a roller coaster ride, at times I felt like my emotions were so up and down and tangled. We'd come SO close, it would seem, and then bam, we'd head back down to where we were and sometimes it felt like even further back. I know that isn't the case at all because none of it was a surprise to God. He saw all the twists and turns, and ups and downs. And I am so trying to keep my gaze on Him and my heart on the knowledge that no matter how long it takes for us to get to her, that little girl belongs to us. We are her mommy and daddy. Jacob, Caleb, PeterJames, and Tobias are her brothers. Right now, our job is to wait and trust.
And so, with all that, listen to this dream I had about her! Our family and some other family friends were in a room, I'm not really sure why or what we were doing but there we were, and surprisingly enough no one was expecting her to come walking through the door holding hands with one of our friend's daughters. I knew who she was right away of course, and she looked so small but her big, brown eyes were wide-eyed and searching. I slowly went closer to her and she finally spotted me, and knew. And she came to me. She came to me. Willingly, she came. She lifted her arms high into the air to be picked up and I did. I scooped her up and held her tight to me and she held tight to my neck. And every bit of wondering when this would happen, every bit of anxiety and frustration came melting off my heart and shoulders, and I just wept. Then I woke up. :/ Besides being bummed that the dream hadn't been real, the first thing I thought was what a gift that was from God to experience that moment with her. He knows how close my heart feels to her and how strong the longing is to be with her but the reality of our distance can be draining. And even though it wasn't real, it FELT so real and I felt like He gave me a brief moment with my girl before I can actually scoop her up and hold her tight and tell her she's home for real and for good. All I could whisper as I was waking up was, "Thank You."
So here are some ways we'd love for you to enter in. Would you pray that the delays would cease? We learned once again that we are not going anywhere anytime soon....ish. (I have to add the "ish" because who knows what the Lord could do, right?) Pray that the Lord would stir in the hearts of every man and woman who lays their hands upon our girl's paperwork and that they would suddenly and strongly feel a sense of urgency that may not have been there before. Pray for her heart. Her foster mom has been showing her the pictures of our family that we sent to her in a photo book. She is seeing our faces and hearing the words, "Mama", "Daddy", and "big brothers". Pray that she would see and understand. I am hoping that her little fingers would touch our faces, inside that little book, with a sense of wonderment and awe, getting to know each one of us before our faces are there to touch for real. Pray that her heart begins to feel a sense of permanency coming for her and that she would rest in that feeling. Pray that she would begin to feel a desire to be home with us and that there would be no hesitation when we are there to come to us. That dream had a lot to do with what we've been told about her and her fear of strangers (to think that she will possibly look at us as strangers!). In reality, my dream is probably not how our meeting will look, and she will most likely be very hesitant and afraid. But one can dream, right?! :)
Again, thank you for your prayers. We treasure them!
When you don't move the mountains
I've needed you to move,
When you don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through,
When you don't give the answers
as I cry out to you,
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.
I've been thinking so much about these words from a song recently. It seemed like forever was taking place before we could get our family matched with a child and now - look at us! Here we are making plans and sending out paperwork, which, by the way, has arrived in Poland as of a couple of days ago - our hearts right there laid out on paper, our wish list with one single thing on it - our little girl. Sometimes when your prayers finally are answered you realize, well, I realize how firmly and securely the Lord was holding my hand through everyday. Everyday. I say that because there hasn't been a single day where that little girl has not been thought about, prayed over, wondered about. There was not a single day before being matched that the question of "when?" was not lifted up, or fearing that an actual adoption may never take place because of life obstacles; not a single day.
But everyday, He never let go of our hands, knowing that He was leading us to the best, most perfect present ever. He knew her face, her name, what she looked like even before we made the decision to adopt, and He knew the ride He was going to take us on to get us to her. Like being a child in the car, your Daddy strapping you in, telling you you're going on a surprise trip, but not revealing what's waiting at the destination. But you can sit back knowing that, because you can trust your Daddy, wherever He was bringing you it was going to be amazing. So the excitement grows in your heart, and you start wondering what it's going to be like, what you'll see, what you'll feel. I wonder if God is just as excited, looking back in the rearview mirror saying, "I know it's taking a while to get there, but hang on. I know you're gonna LOVE this." The best, most perfect present ever. I'm thinking a whole lot of us can relate even if it's not an adoption you're going through.
However, on the other side of my prayers, our answer was being born - right about the same time Tobias was being born. Our answer was being guided away from danger and into safety. Our answer was learning how to eat, and walk and talk and play. Our God was moving mountains, and He was parting waters, and He was listening to every prayer. God had His eyes on her and on us all at the same time, knowing that one day we'd fuse and become a family.
And if you happen to mention her name to me or want to daydream with me about the growth of our family and how that's happening, don't expect any dry eyes! Oh my goodness, can I tell you the emotions that are brought up when these conversations happen?! I don't ever remember crying and fussing over the anticipation of one of my boys being born from my body! And I loved being pregnant and looking forward to meeting the little person growing inside. This just seems so different. Maybe it's because I know she's already here, waiting for us? I know now what it's like to hold my babies, and knowing that one of my babies is half way around the world waiting to be held and be loved is excruciating! Can I say that again? Excruciating. But we'll make it through. Because just like the 4 years behind us (we started this process in May of 2012), I know, that I know, thatI know His hand will be in mine the whole way....right into Poland!
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand Your ways are always higher Your plans are always good There's not a place where I'll go You've not already stood
So before I started typing out this post I re-read my last post. First, I thought how ironic that this would be the post that follows, and then when I read the words, "and here we are 3 and a half years later wondering when that call will come" I got chills.
THAT CALL HAS COME!!!
Our family received the best, most exciting Christmas present the day after Christmas. I've read countless adoption blogs about how when the phone rang or they saw their case workers name on the caller ID, they just knew. And that was totally the case. The phone rang late in the afternoon. We were all literally just hanging around in the living room and dining room, playing, reading, snacking because that's what you do on Christmas break :), and when I glanced at the caller ID and saw the name of our case worker you wouldn't believe the feelings and thoughts and considerations that flew through my head in, I'm not kidding, a matter of five seconds. "It's the day after Christmas. We just finished updating all of our paperwork again so I shouldn't be hearing from her for months. This is it. It has to be. Why else would she be calling? In three and a half years she's never just called to say Merry Christmas." I did pick up the phone and sure enough she handed us the gift of an end to our wait.
We've been matched with a two year old girl (just FOUR months older than our Tobias) from Poland. Wait? What? Yep. Not Bulgaria. Not much more I can say about that except our God, He is a creative One. For days, our boys were telling us "but we've been praying for Bulgaria! Not Poland!" And I would laugh at their expressions because I wasn't sure if they're minds were just blown and confused at the thought of a whole other country that they don't know and can't readily place on a map or if they were afraid that they're new sister missed out on all those prayers! But it was pretty fun to talk about how this was not a surprise to God as it was to us. This was His plan all along, to re-route us a bit to the north and a bit to the west. But every one of those prayers was laid upon the heart of the little girl invited into our family...from Poland.
She actually came across our radar three weeks prior. Our case worker sent out a mass email about her with a few pictures. I saw her and immediately thought, "Oh my goodness. She's adorable." And the more I read about her I knew they would find a forever family for her right away. Plus, there was the whole thing with her being from Poland. But still I wanted to know what Brad thought because I knew he had probably checked his email at work and saw her and read about her. So when he came home that night I asked him if he'd seen her picture and he had, and we talked about her shortly, figuring there was no sense pursuing a child that wasn't even from Bulgaria. And we were right. A couple of days later, our case worker sent out a followup email stating that the inquiries could stop and that they had already found a family for her in the two days from her first email. Figured.
Fast forward to December 26th....and the phone call, and our YES, and the rest seems surreal. The family she was matched with was declined by Poland for reasons that seemed insignificant to me but then the more I thought about it, the more obvious it was that, well, God had intentioned her for us! We weren't even one of the families that inquired about her and yet as I was speaking to my case worker that night she said we were one of the first families she thought of to call. A few weeks prior, she had to stop the inquiries and yet she called us. Yes indeed, God had intentioned her for us.
So now we are knee deep in paperwork and phone calls once again, updating everything so that it says Poland. But we're also knee deep in lots of other things, like dreaming of when we can finally be with her, that first smile when we see her, that first hug, hoping that she is home or that we're there with her for her third birthday in June. It's amazing how close she feels to us now having a face and a name. It's hard to believe we're still an ocean apart. And it's amazing the fire that is lit under you when you're making phone calls and filling out paperwork and running and speaking to every government agency you can name when there's a little person on the other end of all that paperwork waiting.
So it's off to Poland we go. Hang on tight, little girl, your family's coming for you.
So this waiting thing suddenly got really hard. And reeeaaally looooong. It's been hitting me pretty hard lately the amount of time we've been in this and it can sometimes seem like it's never going to happen. Things are so quiet. Kinda like this pic I took in the woods the other day while we were hiking. Bare and quiet. And we just hike along what seems to be this never ending trail of bare trees and dry leaves. But you can see the beauty poking through, can't you? I know underneath all the dry leaves life is waiting to explode. Our hearts and our family made a commitment to this process in May of 2012, and here we are 3 and half years later, wondering when that call will come. Sometimes it seems like it will be so close, right over that hill, it has to be, right? And other times, well..........
I belong to this ministry at my church called Grace Foster and Forever Families. It's amazing. The ladies I get to serve with are amazing. The meetings are amazing. The events we getto go to are amazing and the most recent one did not fall short. We were invited by the Orange County courts to celebrate National Adoption Day and it was held in the courts. One thing we as a group, who's hearts are tied to adoption, wanted these remarkable people to know was how grateful we are for the work they do in bringing children home to their forever families. (I've heard they don't get many thank you's.) They see so many disheartening stories and lives full of grief as they watch families separated indefinitely and sometimes permanently as they work through the trenches of lives gone in directions that were not meant to be. But then, depending on what part of the process they're involved in with the family and children, some also get to see and be a part of the amazing. They get to see lives filled back up with hope and promise as they finalize adoptions and watch orphans step out of unstable, questionable lives into stable, loving, forever families. And I'm sure when stories end like that, it gives them a sense of purpose in what they do and an answer to the question of "why do I do this again?" that they may ask themselves over and over otherwise. So we wanted those of them who don't get to, to hear some of the "happily ever afters". And so, we got to hear the hearts and hope of parents andkids share their stories in that courtroom and my heart was wrecked. In a good way. I sat and watched the joy, the gratefulness, the awe of incredible children turned incredible adults. I sat and watched a little boy get up and tell his story, not realizing the impact his simple words had on so many sitting in that room that day.
I sat and listened my face contorting and dripping. (I am so not a pretty or graceful crier. My tears don't just quietly tumble down, my whole face has to get into it.) And while I listened, suddenly my girls seemed so much more real to me. So much more tangible. More than ever. You would think just the opposite, right? Because they're a world away and still no face or name to give them. No silly mannerisms to know. No little quirks to decipher. But I sat there and they were so real. And I became elated that this was happening. That our family really would grow through adoption. But then, after it was all over, something else began to happen....I felt a sense of grief and remorse. It was like someone had handed them to me for me to see and touch and hear in that courtroom, but then as soon as I walked out it was like they were taken away from me. They weren't here yet. I don't know their face and name. I don't know their silly mannerisms and I can't decipher their little quirks. And the wait seemed soooo long. So much longer than it ever had.
So that's that. And when I came home and talked to Brad, I realized it's not just the mama that feels it. The daddy feels it, too. If there's one thing I can't wait for it's going to be watching Brad be a father to a little girl. A safe, trustworthy, dependable, loving father. I'm pretty sure I may fall in love with him all over again witnessing that. :)
And so this song, While I'm Waiting by John Waller. Since the beginning of our wait, this song has gotten me everytime. It talks about what to do while waiting. And I pray I live up to the lyrics of this song. Because although the waiting can seem torturous at times, just as faithful as our God is, He doesn't waste any of it and makes it something beautiful. Just like the hike we took, no matter where we turned that sunlight wouldn't quit filtering through the branches. And it could because there were no leaves there to stop its rays. So I'm taking this as a season to sit back, wait, and anticipate seeing the goodness of God shine through the bare and quiet.
Oh, and of course they played this song at church as part of the worship set this past Sunday. I guess He was just making sure I knew He understands and hears our hearts and that He's got this.
I'd love to post more about little conversations we've had about the adoption and the preparations and the conversations within our family. I wish I was more on top of writing things down as they happen. Little remarks that the boys make. Little pieces of jewelry, hair accessories, and toys they bring home unexpectedly when they get the opportunity to spend a dollar or two or they get the chance to pick from a prize box and they choose something that makes me raise my eyebrows but then quickly hear the explanation (and melt inside) that it's "for the girls, mom". And, anyone who has adopted before knows all the little (and big) things that pop up as you're going through the process. Paperwork, deadlines, phone calls, phone calls, phone calls.....phone calls. :) And not really being a phone person, joy. So not every detail can possibly get shared. (Nor would you want to be in on each one!)
But then things like what I'm about to share happens and I can't help but SHARE.
We started a fundraiser through Lifesong for Orphans in early August. We were approved a matching grant of $4,000, meaning for every dollar we raise, Lifesong, through the support of our awesome and amazing church Grace Community, would match each one. So by the end of the fundraiser we would have $8,000 more towards the adoption. Our goal was September 30th. We reached the goal as of the 24th and have even gone over! Through the love and generosity of family and friends we are so much closer to being able to bring our girls home without debt. All we can say is THANK YOU. From the bottom of our hearts right down to our toes! You were the hands and feet of Jesus through every check made out and every click of that donate button. You are so much a part of giving these children a hope and a future through our family and for that we are forever grateful. How we can not wait to share with them how you were a part of their story before they even had a face or a name in your minds. And I know there are countless of you praying, too. And the power behind that is tremendous. Tremendous. We ask that you keep on praying for us and the girls as we wait to be united!
That's a question we've gotten a lot over the past couple of years when we mention that we're adopting.
Making the decision to adopt is a gargantuan one to begin with, but then when you're not even sure from where, the world begins to seem 10 times bigger!
And so, I started this post the other day and two days later as I still sat thinking about it, I realized I have a hard time with this question whenever people ask me. But not in a bad way. I would totally ask the same thing if someone told me they were adopting from a foreign country. And there are reasons why we chose Bulgaria over other countries. And there are reasons why we didn't pursue a domestic adoption. But the primary reason we chose Bulgaria is that there is a need there, God gave us the desire, and we felt compelled to pursue. And there are so many orphans around the world. A staggering number. If you look up "world orphan statistics" you would find lots of sites and information about the numbers and what they mean. I won't get into that here because, well....it's a lot of information! But if you'd like just a glimpse of the massive need around the world and in our country here are a couple of articles that I thought gave a lot of good information: 9 Powerful Statistics about the Orphan Crisis and Global Orphan Crisis - Facts and Statistics. It's alarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. And when I think about the children who are NOT even accounted for - street children, trafficked children, and child soldiers - it becomes even more disheartening.
But God never intended for us to be disheartened. To have a holy anger against the injustice? Yes. To be moved to act? Certainly. But not to be disheartened. He sees each one of those orphans without a home, without stability or any chance for a future. But He sees Hope, too. In the form of His church. His very own children. I love the Matthew West song "Do Something". Here are some of the lyrics:
I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how'd we ever get so far down
How's it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, "God, why don't You do something?"
Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
Said, "God, why don't You do something?"
He said, "I did, I created you"
That last line. Sigh.
Every time I hear this song it makes me want to jump on a plane to Bulgaria and grab those girls and bring them home to us. Away from danger, away from fear, away from vulnerability, away from a lack of identity. And I want to give them Hope. His Hope. The Hope that He has promised to all who believe."...According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." (1 Peter 1:3) I don't want them aging out of anybody's system and being left out on the street to be vulnerable or victimized. I want them home. I want to "do something". My heart is I want this for every orphan out there. Here and around the world. And then sometimes I think about those children who have never known anything other than going from foster home to foster home, or living in an orphanage, and they don't even know that there is anything to miss. They may feel a hole in their heart where a family and identity should be but they can't vocalize what should be there.
So, why Bulgaria? That's just where God lead us. We could have done domestic, we could have gone the route of any other country in the world, but this is where God lead us. Whether here, or Africa, or Asia, or Eastern Europe the need is the same within the hearts of each orphaned child. They need a home. And we want to be that place they come to.
As Brad and I considered different countries and their restrictions and requirements, I would sometimes literally pray over the computer screen for the Lord to lead me right where He wanted me to be looking. For Him to give me a sense of "home" when I saw the country that our future children would be coming from. And that happened as I and Brad started reading about Bulgaria. About the Roma children. About the orphanages. About the need. And it felt right. And as we said yes to Bulgaria, it was amazing all the confirmations that kept on coming up!
Just as an example, one of our boys was invited to a birthday party that summer in the backyard of one of his friend's house. It was a big party, meant for my son's friend and his brother. It turned out there were very few classmates invited at all and it was more of a family party. A big, happy family party! As I was getting ready for the party, under the hair dryer, I prayed that the lord would keep on sending some sort of confirmation that Bulgaria was it, even though we felt He had already been doing that. Brad and I knew no one at the party, but about halfway through we met a woman who happened to stop by from next door. She didn't have kids at the party. She, too seemed not to know anyone. It turned out that her family had just gotten back from living in Bulgaria for 2 years. Her husband had a job working with the government officials there and she was involved in an organization that was geared to helping women get back on their feet, off the streets, and out of poverty. She started to tell us about the women she would go to who literally lived under the ground with their children for shelter and protection. That these underground shelters were long tunnels that ran all the way into Romania. That these women were sending their children up to beg for food and money because they had no other choice. As a mother, I would be crazy afraid everyday that my child wouldn't come back down to me. She told us that these women would refuse help from the woman I met at the party and the organization she worked for, basically from anybody. That's how stuck they were. Or maybe how disillusioned they were that anyone would really want to help and not have some other agenda to put them or their children in harm's way. She said this is what happens to many girls who age out of orphanages in Bulgaria and Romania. Heartbreaking. I don't want at least two of them to end up there.
So, maybe in the beginning when we first made the decision for Bulgaria, the two of us were kind of like, "Really? Bulgaria?" We just trusted what God was doing in the peace He gave to the both us, and month after month, year after year (:/) He keeps planting little seeds of, "This is why...." But the biggest little seed He planted - James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." Here's that song I mentioned before.
Summertime. When my house is in a state of perpetual disarray, disorganization, disorder, any and all "dis-es" you can think of. I can honestly say that this is the first summer that I've surrendered to it. In a house where the living room doubles as the playroom and the kitchen doubles as the mudroom I've realized that I can either make myself crazy all day cleaning up and following these messy little people around like a puppy armed with a spray bottle and wash cloth OR I can look at it all and give thanks.
Whaaaaat?
Yes!
Give thanks!
That is SUCH a stretch for me to say about messiness. I am all about order and everything having their place - their home. I LOVE taking a sigh of relief when things make it back to their right place. But with four boys in a constant state of play and a constant state of having the munchies I've thrown my hands up. I can either let my kitchen broom become an extension of my body or I can let it sit in the corner of the kitchen for the ENTIRE day (unless of course there's a show stopping spill). After dinner, it's all about operation clean up where everyone has their job and gets to it until the repercussions of our day are no longer evident.
Picking mulberries from a
nearby tree
But I hadn't even realized that I had come to this place until I stopped and was thrown into the future last night. I was preparing dinner and I went into the refrigerator for what seemed like the thousandth time and when I went to grab the door handle I saw mud prints. Hand prints. Hand prints that had been there for hours but that I had continually overlooked in the busyness of the day. And I stopped and thanked God for them. Something I am not prone to do when I see muddy hand prints! But the word "life" kept going through my head and heart. And I pictured the one who made the print, running in from the heat of the day, from playing with his brothers, riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline, spraying water, getting covered in sticky ice pop juice, playing tag, face all hot and flushed and sweaty. Pulling, no yanking, open the door of the fridge to reach in for cold clean water. Cold. Clean. Water. Then tracking backyard dirt from well worn sneakers around the kitchen grabbing a snack for himself and his brothers. Not giving any thought that there wouldn't be any food in the fruit bin or cupboards. And I sat there and stared at the muddy door handle and thanked God for the provisions we have. For the memories being made outside under the summer sun. And I thought how quickly these days go by. They're here and then they're gone. And I could look back on these times and remember the mess, the constant opening and closing of doors, the sound of trampling feet in and out, OR I could relish in what's happening right now, each day.
And then thoughts of the future flooded my already thankful heart. They settled on the adoption and how I can't wait for those muddy prints to be theirs. For them to be making summertime memories of running around with their brothers outside, riding bikes, jumping, spraying water, getting covered in ice pop juice, playing tag. I can't wait for the dirt on my kitchen floor to include theirs. Tracking backyard dirt from well worn sneakers around the kitchen, enjoying the fact that they wouldn't have to question whether there would be food for them. Or fresh, clean water in the fridge. I can't wait to see their girly little faces all flushed with heat and sweat and most likely, because they will belong to me, hair all crazy, coming out of ponytails or hairclips. And I was humbled and grateful to be a part of what's ahead for our family. I am so appreciating right now and all that summertime brings, but God clearly showed me in that moment, there's so much more to come!
