While We Wait

Finding beauty in the bare and quiet.

So this waiting thing suddenly got really hard. And reeeaaally looooong. It's been hitting me pretty hard lately the amount of time we've been in this and it can sometimes seem like it's never going to happen. Things are so quiet. Kinda like this pic I took in the woods the other day while we were hiking. Bare and quiet. And we just hike along what seems to be this never ending trail of bare trees and dry leaves. But you can see the beauty poking through, can't you? I know underneath all the dry leaves life is waiting to explode. Our hearts and our family made a commitment to this process in May of 2012, and here we are 3 and half years later, wondering when that call will come. Sometimes it seems like it will be so close, right over that hill, it has to be, right? And other times, well..........

I belong to this ministry at my church called Grace Foster and Forever Families. It's amazing. The ladies I get to serve with are amazing. The meetings are amazing. The events we get to go to are amazing and the most recent one did not fall short. We were invited by the Orange County courts to celebrate National Adoption Day and it was held in the courts. One thing we as a group, who's hearts are tied to adoption, wanted these remarkable people to know was how grateful we are for the work they do in bringing children home to their forever families. (I've heard they don't get many thank you's.) They see so many disheartening stories and lives full of grief as they watch families separated indefinitely and sometimes permanently as they work through the trenches of lives gone in directions that were not meant to be. But then, depending on what part of the process they're involved in with the family and children, some also get to see and be a part of the amazing. They get to see lives filled back up with hope and promise as they finalize adoptions and watch orphans step out of unstable, questionable lives into stable, loving, forever families. And I'm sure when stories end like that, it gives them a sense of purpose in what they do and an answer to the question of "why do I do this again?" that they may ask themselves over and over otherwise. So we wanted those of them who don't get to, to hear some of the "happily ever afters". And so, we got to hear the hearts and hope of parents and kids share their stories in that courtroom and my heart was wrecked. In a good way. I sat and watched the joy, the gratefulness, the awe of incredible children turned incredible adults. I sat and watched a little boy get up and tell his story, not realizing the impact his simple words had on so many sitting in that room that day.

I sat and listened my face contorting and dripping. (I am so not a pretty or graceful crier. My tears don't just quietly tumble down, my whole face has to get into it.) And while I listened, suddenly my girls seemed so much more real to me. So much more tangible. More than ever. You would think just the opposite, right? Because they're a world away and still no face or name to give them. No silly mannerisms to know. No little quirks to decipher. But I sat there and they were so real. And I became elated that this was happening. That our family really would grow through adoption. But then, after it was all over, something else began to happen....I felt a sense of grief and remorse. It was like someone had handed them to me for me to see and touch and hear in that courtroom, but then as soon as I walked out it was like they were taken away from me. They weren't here yet. I don't know their face and name. I don't know their silly mannerisms and I can't decipher their little quirks. And the wait seemed soooo long. So much longer than it ever had.

So that's that. And when I came home and talked to Brad, I realized it's not just the mama that feels it. The daddy feels it, too. If there's one thing I can't wait for it's going to be watching Brad be a father to a little girl. A safe, trustworthy, dependable, loving father. I'm pretty sure I may fall in love with him all over again witnessing that. :)

And so this song, While I'm Waiting by John Waller. Since the beginning of our wait, this song has gotten me everytime. It talks about what to do while waiting. And I pray I live up to the lyrics of this song. Because although the waiting can seem torturous at times, just as faithful as our God is, He doesn't waste any of it and makes it something beautiful. Just like the hike we took, no matter where we turned that sunlight wouldn't quit filtering through the branches. And it could because there were no leaves there to stop its rays. So I'm taking this as a season to sit back, wait, and anticipate seeing the goodness of God shine through the bare and quiet.

Oh, and of course they played this song at church as part of the worship set this past Sunday. I guess He was just making sure I knew He understands and hears our hearts and that He's got this.

Click this link to hear the song.
While I'm Waiting - John Waller

We made it!!

I'd love to post more about little conversations we've had about the adoption and the preparations and the conversations within our family. I wish I was more on top of writing things down as they happen. Little remarks that the boys make. Little pieces of jewelry, hair accessories, and toys they bring home unexpectedly when they get the opportunity to spend a dollar or two or they get the chance to pick from a prize box and they choose something that makes me raise my eyebrows but then quickly hear the explanation (and melt inside) that it's "for the girls, mom".  And, anyone who has adopted before knows all the little (and big) things that pop up as you're going through the process. Paperwork, deadlines, phone calls, phone calls, phone calls.....phone calls. :) And not really being a phone person, joy. So not every detail can possibly get shared. (Nor would you want to be in on each one!)

But then things like what I'm about to share happens and I can't help but SHARE. 

We started a fundraiser through Lifesong for Orphans in early August. We were approved a matching grant of $4,000, meaning for every dollar we raise, Lifesong, through the support of our awesome and amazing church Grace Community, would match each one. So by the end of the fundraiser we would have $8,000 more towards the adoption. Our goal was September 30th. We reached the goal as of the 24th and have even gone over! Through the love and generosity of family and friends we are so much closer to being able to bring our girls home without debt. All we can say is THANK YOU. From the bottom of our hearts right down to our toes! You were the hands and feet of Jesus through every check made out and every click of that donate button. You are so much a part of giving these children a hope and a future through our family and for that we are forever grateful. How we can not wait to share with them how you were a part of their story before they even had a face or a name in your minds. And I know there are countless of you praying, too. And the power behind that is tremendous. Tremendous. We ask that you keep on praying for us and the girls as we wait to be united!

Yaaaay!!

Why Bulgaria?

That's a question we've gotten a lot over the past couple of years when we mention that we're adopting.

Making the decision to adopt is a gargantuan one to begin with, but then when you're not even sure from where, the world begins to seem 10 times bigger!

And so, I started this post the other day and two days later as I still sat thinking about it, I realized I have a hard time with this question whenever people ask me. But not in a bad way. I would totally ask the same thing if someone told me they were adopting from a foreign country. And there are reasons why we chose Bulgaria over other countries. And there are reasons why we didn't pursue a domestic adoption. But the primary reason we chose Bulgaria is that there is a need there, God gave us the desire, and we felt compelled to pursue. And there are so many orphans around the world. A staggering number. If you look up "world orphan statistics" you would find lots of sites and information about the numbers and what they mean. I won't get into that here because, well....it's a lot of information! But if you'd like just a glimpse of the massive need around the world and in our country here are a couple of articles that I thought gave a lot of good information: 9 Powerful Statistics about the Orphan Crisis and Global Orphan Crisis - Facts and Statistics. It's alarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. And when I think about the children who are NOT even accounted for - street children, trafficked children, and child soldiers - it becomes even more disheartening.

But God never intended for us to be disheartened. To have a holy anger against the injustice? Yes. To be moved to act? Certainly. But not to be disheartened. He sees each one of those orphans without a home, without stability or any chance for a future. But He sees Hope, too. In the form of His church. His very own children. I love the Matthew West song "Do Something". Here are some of the lyrics:

I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how'd we ever get so far down
How's it ever gonna turn around

So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, "God, why don't You do something?"

Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of
People living in poverty

Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me

So, I shook my fist at Heaven
Said, "God, why don't You do something?"

He said, "I did, I created you"

That last line. Sigh.

Every time I hear this song it makes me want to jump on a plane to Bulgaria and grab those girls and bring 
them home to us. Away from danger, away from fear, away from vulnerability, away from a lack of identity. And I want to give them Hope. His Hope. The Hope that He has promised to all who believe."...According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." (1 Peter 1:3)  I don't want them aging out of anybody's system and being left out on the street to be vulnerable or victimized. I want them home. I want to "do something". My heart is I want this for every orphan out there. Here and around the world. And then sometimes I think about those children who have never known anything other than going from foster home to foster home, or living in an orphanage, and they don't even know that there is anything to miss. They may feel a hole in their heart where a family and identity should be but they can't vocalize what should be there.

So, why Bulgaria? That's just where God lead us. We could have done domestic, we could have gone the route of any other country in the world, but this is where God lead us. Whether here, or Africa, or Asia, or Eastern Europe the need is the same within the hearts of each orphaned child. They need a home. And we want to be that place they come to.

As Brad and I considered different countries and their restrictions and requirements, I would sometimes literally pray over the computer screen for the Lord to lead me right where He wanted me to be looking. For Him to give me a sense of "home" when I saw the country that our future children would be coming from. And that happened as I and Brad started reading about Bulgaria. About the Roma children. About the orphanages. About the need. And it felt right.  And as we said yes to Bulgaria, it was amazing all the confirmations that kept on coming up! 

Just as an example, one of our boys was invited to a birthday party that summer in the backyard of one of his friend's house. It was a big party, meant for my son's friend and his brother. It turned out there were very few classmates invited at all and it was more of a family party. A big, happy family party! As I was getting ready for the party, under the hair dryer, I prayed that the lord would keep on sending some sort of confirmation that Bulgaria was it, even though we felt He had already been doing that. Brad and I knew no one at the party, but about halfway through we met a woman who happened to stop by from next door. She didn't have kids at the party. She, too seemed not to know anyone. It turned out that her family had just gotten back from living in Bulgaria for 2 years. Her husband had a job working with the government officials there and she was involved in an organization that was geared to helping women get back on their feet, off the streets, and out of poverty. She started to tell us about the women she would go to who literally lived under the ground with their children for shelter and protection. That these underground shelters were long tunnels that ran all the way into Romania. That these women were sending their children up to beg for food and money because they had no other choice. As a mother, I would be crazy afraid everyday that my child wouldn't come back down to me. She told us that these women would refuse help from the woman I met at the party and the organization she worked for, basically from anybody. That's how stuck they were. Or maybe how disillusioned they were that anyone would really want to help and not have some other agenda to put them or their children in harm's way. She said this is what happens to many girls who age out of orphanages in Bulgaria and Romania. Heartbreaking. I don't want at least two of them to end up there.

So, maybe in the beginning when we first made the decision for Bulgaria, the two of us were kind of like, "Really? Bulgaria?" We just trusted what God was doing in the peace He gave to the both us, and month after month, year after year (:/) He keeps planting little seeds of, "This is why...." But the biggest little seed He planted - James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

Here's that song I mentioned before.

Loving the Right Now...and What's to Come

Summertime. When my house is in a state of perpetual disarray, disorganization, disorder, any and all "dis-es" you can think of. I can honestly say that this is the first summer that I've surrendered to it. In a house where the living room doubles as the playroom and the kitchen doubles as the mudroom I've realized that I can either make myself crazy all day cleaning up and following these messy little people around like a puppy armed with a spray bottle and wash cloth OR I can look at it all and give thanks.
Whaaaaat?
Yes!
Give thanks!
That is SUCH a stretch for me to say about messiness. I am all about order and everything having their place - their home. I LOVE taking a sigh of relief when things make it back to their right place. But with four boys in a constant state of play and a constant state of having the munchies I've thrown my hands up. I can either let my kitchen broom become an extension of my body or I can let it sit in the corner of the kitchen for the ENTIRE day (unless of course there's a show stopping spill). After dinner, it's all about operation clean up where everyone has their job and gets to it until the repercussions of our day are no longer evident.

Picking mulberries from a
nearby tree

But I hadn't even realized that I had come to this place until I stopped and was thrown into the future last night. I was preparing dinner and I went into the refrigerator for what seemed like the thousandth time and when I went to grab the door handle I saw mud prints. Hand prints. Hand prints that had been there for hours but that I had continually overlooked in the busyness of the day. And I stopped and thanked God for them. Something I am not prone to do when I see muddy hand prints! But the word "life" kept going through my head and heart. And I pictured the one who made the print, running in from the heat of the day, from playing with his brothers, riding bikes,  jumping on the trampoline, spraying water, getting covered in sticky ice pop juice, playing tag, face all hot and flushed and sweaty. Pulling, no yanking, open the door of the fridge to reach in for cold clean water. Cold. Clean. Water. Then tracking backyard dirt from well worn sneakers around the kitchen grabbing a snack for himself and his brothers. Not giving any thought that there wouldn't be any food in the fruit bin or cupboards. And I sat there and stared at the muddy door handle and thanked God for the provisions we have. For the memories being made outside under the summer sun. And I thought how quickly these days go by. They're here and then they're gone. And I could look back on these times and remember the mess, the constant opening and closing of doors, the sound of trampling feet in and out, OR I could relish in what's happening right now, each day.

And then thoughts of the future flooded my already thankful heart. They settled on the adoption and how I can't wait for those muddy prints to be theirs. For them to be making summertime memories of running around with their brothers outside, riding bikes, jumping, spraying water, getting covered in ice pop juice, playing tag. I can't wait for the dirt on my kitchen floor to include theirs. Tracking backyard dirt from well worn sneakers around the kitchen, enjoying the fact that they wouldn't have to question whether there would be food for them. Or fresh, clean water in the fridge. I can't wait to see their girly little faces all flushed with heat and sweat and most likely, because they will belong to me, hair all crazy, coming out of ponytails or hairclips. And I was humbled and grateful to be a part of what's ahead for our family. I am so appreciating right now and all that summertime brings, but God clearly showed me in that moment, there's so much more to come!

Fundraising

So we're going into a new phase of our adoption process. :) A phase that's completely new to us.A phase that's a little...shift, shift, squirm...uncomfortable to us. Fundraising.

The biggest challenge is not opening our hearts and home to another child, but it is finding the finances to make that happen. The estimated total cost for the adoption is around $35,000. That’s certainly money we don’t have, but we know God is faithful and is leading us to trust Him. By God’s grace, we’ve been able to pay the initial costs of the adoption.

So, we invite you in. We invite you to make a forever difference in the life of a child who needs a family. We are inviting you to be a part of a story that imitates the heart of what God has done for us through Jesus, a story that reminds us that we are ALL adopted by our heavenly Father.

It's a little difficult, unfortunately because of pride, to make our needs known to family and friends. BUT, we would like for you to pray and consider helping us with our adoption in one or two ways.

First, would you pray? Pray that God would care for our girls during this time of waiting and being  so far from them. We know that we don't have a face or a name yet but they somehow seem to be a part of our family already. The boys already say and ask things like, "When you go pick up our sisters..." or "When our sisters are here..." Pray that God would give us wisdom, discernment, and insight as we raise our four boys and these precious girls and for the upcoming changes to our family.

Second, we have been blessed that our church family at Grace Community Church (www.graceoc.com) has partnered with Lifesong for Orphans, and has committed to an Adoption Matching Grant of $4,000 to help pay for our adoption expenses. Would you consider making a tax-deductible donation to help us meet this matching grant and help take a chunk out of the remainder of our adoption expenses?  Every donation will be matched dollar for dollar! Our goal date is September 30th, but funds will be accepted towards our adoption until the girls are in our home and/or our adoption is complete.

We have a donate button on the right sidebar that will take you right to the Lifesong paypal page.

Check out our Fundraising tab at the top to find out what else our family is doing to raise money. Okay, what the boys are doing. ;)

~Blessings

Sweets For Their Sisters

Jacob, our baker

The array of yumminess that Jacob baked. He went through my recipe box and chose what types of cookies he wanted to bake for the cookie sale.

Our signage

Setting up. Getting it all just right.

Waiting for anyone with the slightest sweet tooth to arrive.

It’s a good thing they brought along reading material.

So our boys became little entrepreneurs this week. We’ve come to learn that our ten year old, Jacob, loves to bake. When he’s bored, he bakes or goes looking through the cabinets or refrigerator for things he can put together to make for us or guests to enjoy. This is always unprompted which is the beautiful part. You can tell he just enjoys doing it but even more so, he enjoys watching the recipients enjoy his treats (and I’m sure the accolades of such supreme putting-together-of-ingredients). So this summer, somehow my recipe box ended up in his personal cubby space so that he could pick out recipes on a whim. It speaks volumes that I didn’t even realize it was missing until he told me he had it in there. :/ Last week he made an anise drop cookie with a glaze on top. We all went kinda crazy for them. They were awesome. Even I had never tried making that one before (and probably never will considering he’s got it down pat). That night, as Caleb, 9, munched on one he mentioned that Jacob should sell his cookies to neighbors and friends. Well, you can tell right away by the look on his face that Jacob was flattered (and eager to make some dough – no pun intended!) and one thing led to another and they had a cookie sale planned out with all the money going towards the adoption. This was Wednesday. He wanted to do it Thursday. I cried inside. No, I didn’t, but almost. I did manage to convince them that they needed a few days to plan and prepare and BAKE for goodness sake, so we settled on Saturday. A 90 degree day. And we set up in the sun. And he made lots of cookies….with chocolate chips in them. And people walked away with plastic bags that were coated brown inside had they dared stayed to chat. But it was all good. Jacob loved it and I think was stunned the first couple of times people came and actually put their order in and then actually PAID him for the cookies. It was fun to watch. From 11-2 they sold cookies. The best part was that we had friends come over and they helped in the selling. One of Jacob’s friends and his sister (two more entrepreneurs) made one of those big signs that you see people on city corners spinning over their back and head and under their arms, doing all sorts of fancy trickery, and he started doing it at the bottom of our hill! Then as 2:00 approached they took some of the cookies that were left over and started walking down and around the block knocking on neighbors’ doors. They actually made a few sales that way, too. And we got to tuck into every bag a little blurb about the adoption and a link to our blog.

At the end of the day, an adoption fund envelope on behalf of the boys was created and the money that they made yesterday went into that. We're thinking that this may not be the last bake sale. Hopefully it’s the first of other ideas they come up with for raising money to go into their fund. We’re so proud of them for doing something selfless for sisters they have yet to meet and for using the gifts and talents that God has given them to help support bringing them home.

Every little step. Guide us, Lord. Every little step.

Seeing God in the Questions

I recently had a talk with a friend about all the concerns and questions I’ve been mulling over in my mind about different decisions our family is in the process of making right now. And as I’m sure so many moms feel, I’m realizing more and more every decision, right down to the tiniest ones, I make as a mom is not just a decision for me but for our entire family. Even those girls who are a part of our family and yet to know it. The choices Brad and I make now will effect the family that they enter into whenever that may be. In regards to these decisions, there are so many questions I ask myself. Will I have the strength to go the distance? Will I have the patience to deal with all the issues and problems that come up? Will our family grow closer to each other through this adoption or will tension follow us? Will our family grow closer to God through this adoption? Will Brad and I have the wisdom to know how to guide our family into adoption? Will we enjoy the calling that the Lord has placed upon our family or will we get ensnared more in the costs to our family both in time and emotions? Now, these questions were not causing doubt as to whether or not we wanted to pursue our adoption, these questions were/are just real, honest, humbling questions. We’re not perfect and we’re not the epitome of patient parents. Our kids actually pray out loud that we would have more patience with them! And that’s not to say that we’re never patient. But sometimes as I enter into different situations with my boys I picture a little girl behind me, having had no experience with a loving mommy and daddy in her life before, witnessing my reaction and words to things the boys do and I wonder if she would shrink back. I am not perfect. Brad is not perfect. Our kids are not perfect. But do we love those girls already with our whole heart? Absolutely, yes. Are we ready to love them lavishly once they enter our home and family? Absolutely, yes.

So when I shared all these questions with my friend, she asked me, where is God in all these questions? What are all these questions telling you about how you view God? How you view yourself? Am I looking at all these questions as a process that God wants to take me and my family through before the girls get here or am I using them as a source of stress? Does God want to bring to light and change certain ways we view Him or even doubt Him? There’s a major shift happening in our family. A shift in changing our ways of thinking about God and our levels of trust in Him. I know, I personally can get extremely caught up in the details of how things are going to happen. What is it going to look like day to day? Even minute to minute sometimes. I know, way too intense.

So when I started thinking about my friend’s questions back to me, I started realizing that yes, indeed, even after having been a Christian for 12 years now, I can say there’s a lot that God has to work on in terms of my perception of Him and me and my family. All of those questions I mentioned earlier that I have about the adoption and other decisions we’re making right now, while I do believe they’re normal and probably to some extent need to be asked so that we can prepare ourselves in as many ways possible, can also be a downfall when I allow myself to dwell on them, to stay there stuck in the unknowns. Because the reality is that probably 90% of adoption, before you’re actually matched with any children is based on the unknowns! And I know myself. I. can. get. stuck. So stuck. Stuck for days. That’s why I love talking to Brad about these things sometimes because he does not stay stuck. He may have the same questions but he moves past them, knowing he doesn’t have the answers but not allowing that to defeat him. But being home with my boys everyday, it’s easy for me to constantly see the things we need to work on and forget the things that make us a pretty awesome, yet quirky bunch. (smirk) Like the quiet ways my older boys fill in the gaps for each other when their home together. The pride I secretly see in the face and mannerisms when a particular four year old goes to them for help when he sees mommy’s busy. How my one year old finds comfort and a welcoming lap in his older brothers when he’s tired or cranky. Tasks done without me asking. (Not all the time, but I do like to dwell on the times when they are!) All these and more are the things that God wants me to look at from time to time. We do gel together. If I get so caught up in what we’re not doing right and where we’re lacking I think it’s only natural that those are times that will  be marked with fear, apprehension, and mistrust of who God is and how capable He’s made us. I forget that we live and thrive on His power and His provision. That He put Brad and I together perfectly to walk through this life of loving each other, raising children, adopting, and every other desire He’s put on our hearts. He never intended for us to shrink back in fear, no matter how prone we are to do so! He’s created us to hear His calling and act on it…..without looking back. Without staying stuck in the But-I’m-REALLY-comfortable-with-the-way-things-are-now-though kind of thinking. Not that I would ever think that! (smirk #2) I don’t ever want to be comfortable, I guess? So, yep, I guess I am learning a lot more about my God and how He’s wired me and Brad. Thank you Jesus that You don’t leave us where You found us!

And so, with all that being said, I wanted to take a minute and let you all know about the fundraising page we recently added. If there’s one thing God has shown me through this, and reading about other families’ adoptions, it’s that adoption is indeed a calling whether or not you have tens of thousands of dollars in the bank and whether or not it’s easy for your family to save that much money during the process. God doesn’t look at our bank accounts and deem who will be allowed to welcome an orphan into their home according to how much money they have or how easy it is to save. It’s time for that trust to grow as we leap, right? I can choose to stay stuck in questioning how this will all come together or I can watch God knock my socks off. No more being stuck in the muck of apprehension and fear. He’s welcoming everyone in. I welcome you further into our adoption and to bringing our girls home.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
 He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

Making the Choice

There is so much I can tell you about how we came to the decision to adopt. It was a long time coming by the time the decision was made, but by the time we did actually say yes, the moment became something I’ll never forget. But, let’s go back a bit.

God put the stirrings for adoption in my heart way before we were ready to actually dive into adoption. The first time was when my second son, Caleb, was born and at that time we didn’t even know anybody who had adopted or who wanted to adopt. I remember tucking away a silent promise to God that even though we were in no way ready at the time, one day we would be, and that I wouldn’t forget these stirrings. So I guess our adoption journey started with a promise.

Three years followed and so did some miscarried pregnancies. It was the desire of our hearts to birth another baby but something was going wrong. And when your body rejects the desires of your heart for another baby, regardless of how many you already have, it shatters you for a time. My arms felt empty and my heart sore from unfulfilled expectations. And so, I thought, “Well, surely this is God calling our family into adoption. He’s calling me to pull out that silent promise and get ready.” But, alas, He saw fit to fill my womb with baby boy number 3, PeterJames, who landed in my arms in June 2010. And, man, that little boy lit up my world, all of our worlds. He was such an answer to prayer in so many ways.

Mr. PeterJames. :) Photo courtesy of Jaime Reed. http://jkreed.com/

And yet, it seemed funny to me that each time we had a baby, that desire for adoption would surface almost immediately. And it was amazing that the urge to adopt could be as strong as the urge to be pregnant.  Only this time the urge didn’t go away and it just kept growing and growing and growing right along with my son. And just to make sure that I would know this was indeed possible and the time to do it, the Lord began to place all around us, specifically in our church, families who were planning on adopting, and who had adopted. Everywhere. Seriously. Everywhere. And they became our friends. And we loved them. And we loved their kids. And I saw how good and natural and full of life adoption was. And I was in. All in. And that silent promise that I had tucked away so long ago became a big resounding, YES!

But I have a husband! And he needed to say YES! :) Although we’d been talking about adoption and loved the idea and wanted it for our family, it was hard to get past the question of “How in the world would it happen financially?” So we prayed. I actually had no idea either how that part would happen. All I knew in my heart was that another one of our children was out there! And I knew my husband’s heart. We had had enough conversations about adopting that I knew he wanted to do it and his heart was good and ready, but there seemed to be this brick wall with a huge $$ sign standing in the way of his “Yes”. And, just like God does, He worked.

Brad happens to have coffee pretty frequently with a friend who at the time had six adopted children (now they have eight!). And Brad felt really comfortable talking to him about the money issue and how it was holding him back. And God knew, this is exactly what Brad needed. A sounding board. Someone to tell him and show him, that yes, it’s hard, but God will provide everything we need. We may not have any idea how but He will. We prayed together for a clear and unified answer and he continued to have conversations with his friend who gently and lovingly, I believe helped ease those fears and made adoption seem doable, even for our family. And just, for what it’s worth, before I get to the next part, in case anyone reading this is considering adoption, but keeps hitting the same wall with those $$ signs blasted across it, I’ll never forget something I heard while listening to the radio the November before we made the decision and it was almost like he was speaking directly to me. These aren’t the speaker’s exact words but in essence he asked, if someone somehow got a hold of your biological children and was holding them ransom for an extraordinary amount of money, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to fulfill that ransom and get your children home to you? It’s the same thing with adoption. Once you’ve made the choice for adoption in your heart, your child is out there waiting for you, dependent on you to figure out how to bring them home.

So it was Mother’s Day. Brad and I were sitting outside in the yard while the boys played and once again we were talking about adopting. And although I can’t remember our exact words, I do remember by the end of the conversation Brad saying, “So why aren’t we doing this?” And trying to make sure I really heard what I think I heard to be a Yes, I said “What do you mean?” And confirming my suspicions he said, “Let’s do it. Let’s start.” Okay, so can I tell you about the fireworks that went off in my heart?! Intense. Intense! I thought I would float off my chair. I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I wanted to hop a plane somewhere and get our child! Our child! Somewhere out there was our child! Waiting. Not even knowing it, but waiting for us. And I could see her and hear her and seriously it was like everything changed in the blink of an eye. We no longer had three children. We had four. And for a while after that day, whenever I looked out on the grass I could see her running and playing with her brothers. When I was in the car, I would glance in the rear view mirror and almost expect to see her sitting there next to her brother. She was already a part of our family and I didn’t even know if she was born yet! Happy Mother’s Day to me! :)

And God had even more plans for our family. In January of the following year, we found out we were expecting our fourth son who was born in September, 2013. Tobias Benjamin. Talk about being thrown for a loop. And talk about a blessing. The boy lights up a room with his eyes and smiles. And although we weren’t expecting his birth since we were knee deep in adoption paperwork, God knew he was coming and now I can see He had the most wonderful timing in mind.

Our glorious little surprise. Tobias Benjamin.

And, I often consider how lacking our family would be without Tobias. And now this little girl to come will be blessed by (most likely) a little brother as well as her bigger brothers. And now we wait for it all to unfold. Still holding our breaths over the how’s and when’s but trusting none the less. Can you pray that our trust would hold strong during those times when we begin to question still how it will all go down? Because, well, we’re human. And we (okay me, more than Brad) can sometimes look around and wonder how in the world we’ll be able to handle another little heart with a bunch of new little needs. As much as we’re excited to meet her, I’m embracing the time of waiting and changing, for all our hearts, in the meantime.

A family photo from last summer. Why are family photos always the hardest to get? Hopefully we’ll get a more updated one soon! :)

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Surrendering a Title

We sat on the deck in the warmth of the May sunshine. I held our second son, Caleb, just weeks old, gently against me as we watched our first born, Jacob, playing in the backyard. A thought had been on my mind a lot lately and so I turned to him and said, “Wouldn’t you love to adopt?” It had been an especially hard recovery from this birth and my husband turned to me, gave a gentle laugh and replied back, “Ang, I think we should get through this little guy being so tiny before we start thinking about more children.” And he was right. It was way too early to be thinking about adding more children to our little brood when we still hadn’t gotten the hang of even having the two little ones gifted to us biologically. But oh my, somehow, someway, something had been stirred in me. Our conversation that day, although it continued, was short lived but in essence Brad said if that’s what God wanted us to do, he’d be all in. I tucked that (promise?) away in my heart.

Fast forward about 18 months and there I was driving the car with a 3 year old and 18 month old, often thinking about that day and wondering what I had ever been thinking because having these two little ones was MORE than enough. I was listening to our local christian radio station, the Sound of Life and it must have been November, National Adoption Awareness month, because almost everything it seemed had to do with adoption and now someone was on talking about their family’s adoption story. I wasn’t listening for more than a minute when I felt that old familiar tug at my heart strings for the fatherless – and it jolted me out of my driving daze. I looked at the radio, turned the station, and said out loud, “Nope. I’m done with that.” So here’s the part when God was up in heaven enjoying a hardy laugh at my expense. He knew the work that had to be done to reignite that flame in me and He intended to do it. But me? I like to be the sort of girl who’s hard to get. (ahem) I’m sure there have been many, many (manymanymanymanymany) times when something that would’ve taken anyone else a simple eye-opening revelation (and shazam! a changed heart), takes me a good 2-3 years to get…….at least.

The story obviously doesn’t end there. We’ve been on the waiting family registry in Bulgaria to adopt 1-2 beautiful little creations (who will be wearing pink!) for a little over a year now. Between that day in the car to now, two more little boys have been born into our ever growing testosterone-filled family. I have been enjoying my reign as sole princess in a house full of princes. I always get the role of queen in our living room stories, certain things cannot happen at the dinner table because, in the words of my husband, “there is a lady here”, I always get the compliments and stares of 4 little boys (and one big one) when I walk in a room looking “pretty” – which means dressed up in more than a pair of jeans – because to be honest, in this house, it’s just…..different. Being a girl, I mean. :) So they are just as excited as we are giddy to have some other pink floating around this house. Yes, I will lose my title as the one and only princess but I’m totally willing to surrender my crown and place it on the head of our daughter……one day……soon.

Join us? As we journey this adventure? I’ll be posting updates and links in our preparations for bringing our princess(es) home. My heart bursts at the idea because I can’t wait to see how God moves mountains to make that happen because at times that’s what I feel like we’re staring at. But the Truth of the verse that just two weeks ago I was teaching to a classroom of kindergartners and first graders at our church, echoes loudly in my ears and heart: “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

{Blessings}