Seeing God in the Questions

I recently had a talk with a friend about all the concerns and questions I’ve been mulling over in my mind about different decisions our family is in the process of making right now. And as I’m sure so many moms feel, I’m realizing more and more every decision, right down to the tiniest ones, I make as a mom is not just a decision for me but for our entire family. Even those girls who are a part of our family and yet to know it. The choices Brad and I make now will effect the family that they enter into whenever that may be. In regards to these decisions, there are so many questions I ask myself. Will I have the strength to go the distance? Will I have the patience to deal with all the issues and problems that come up? Will our family grow closer to each other through this adoption or will tension follow us? Will our family grow closer to God through this adoption? Will Brad and I have the wisdom to know how to guide our family into adoption? Will we enjoy the calling that the Lord has placed upon our family or will we get ensnared more in the costs to our family both in time and emotions? Now, these questions were not causing doubt as to whether or not we wanted to pursue our adoption, these questions were/are just real, honest, humbling questions. We’re not perfect and we’re not the epitome of patient parents. Our kids actually pray out loud that we would have more patience with them! And that’s not to say that we’re never patient. But sometimes as I enter into different situations with my boys I picture a little girl behind me, having had no experience with a loving mommy and daddy in her life before, witnessing my reaction and words to things the boys do and I wonder if she would shrink back. I am not perfect. Brad is not perfect. Our kids are not perfect. But do we love those girls already with our whole heart? Absolutely, yes. Are we ready to love them lavishly once they enter our home and family? Absolutely, yes.

So when I shared all these questions with my friend, she asked me, where is God in all these questions? What are all these questions telling you about how you view God? How you view yourself? Am I looking at all these questions as a process that God wants to take me and my family through before the girls get here or am I using them as a source of stress? Does God want to bring to light and change certain ways we view Him or even doubt Him? There’s a major shift happening in our family. A shift in changing our ways of thinking about God and our levels of trust in Him. I know, I personally can get extremely caught up in the details of how things are going to happen. What is it going to look like day to day? Even minute to minute sometimes. I know, way too intense.

So when I started thinking about my friend’s questions back to me, I started realizing that yes, indeed, even after having been a Christian for 12 years now, I can say there’s a lot that God has to work on in terms of my perception of Him and me and my family. All of those questions I mentioned earlier that I have about the adoption and other decisions we’re making right now, while I do believe they’re normal and probably to some extent need to be asked so that we can prepare ourselves in as many ways possible, can also be a downfall when I allow myself to dwell on them, to stay there stuck in the unknowns. Because the reality is that probably 90% of adoption, before you’re actually matched with any children is based on the unknowns! And I know myself. I. can. get. stuck. So stuck. Stuck for days. That’s why I love talking to Brad about these things sometimes because he does not stay stuck. He may have the same questions but he moves past them, knowing he doesn’t have the answers but not allowing that to defeat him. But being home with my boys everyday, it’s easy for me to constantly see the things we need to work on and forget the things that make us a pretty awesome, yet quirky bunch. (smirk) Like the quiet ways my older boys fill in the gaps for each other when their home together. The pride I secretly see in the face and mannerisms when a particular four year old goes to them for help when he sees mommy’s busy. How my one year old finds comfort and a welcoming lap in his older brothers when he’s tired or cranky. Tasks done without me asking. (Not all the time, but I do like to dwell on the times when they are!) All these and more are the things that God wants me to look at from time to time. We do gel together. If I get so caught up in what we’re not doing right and where we’re lacking I think it’s only natural that those are times that will  be marked with fear, apprehension, and mistrust of who God is and how capable He’s made us. I forget that we live and thrive on His power and His provision. That He put Brad and I together perfectly to walk through this life of loving each other, raising children, adopting, and every other desire He’s put on our hearts. He never intended for us to shrink back in fear, no matter how prone we are to do so! He’s created us to hear His calling and act on it…..without looking back. Without staying stuck in the But-I’m-REALLY-comfortable-with-the-way-things-are-now-though kind of thinking. Not that I would ever think that! (smirk #2) I don’t ever want to be comfortable, I guess? So, yep, I guess I am learning a lot more about my God and how He’s wired me and Brad. Thank you Jesus that You don’t leave us where You found us!

And so, with all that being said, I wanted to take a minute and let you all know about the fundraising page we recently added. If there’s one thing God has shown me through this, and reading about other families’ adoptions, it’s that adoption is indeed a calling whether or not you have tens of thousands of dollars in the bank and whether or not it’s easy for your family to save that much money during the process. God doesn’t look at our bank accounts and deem who will be allowed to welcome an orphan into their home according to how much money they have or how easy it is to save. It’s time for that trust to grow as we leap, right? I can choose to stay stuck in questioning how this will all come together or I can watch God knock my socks off. No more being stuck in the muck of apprehension and fear. He’s welcoming everyone in. I welcome you further into our adoption and to bringing our girls home.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
 He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8