There is so much I can tell you about how we came to the decision to adopt. It was a long time coming by the time the decision was made, but by the time we did actually say yes, the moment became something I’ll never forget. But, let’s go back a bit.
God put the stirrings for adoption in my heart way before we were ready to actually dive into adoption. The first time was when my second son, Caleb, was born and at that time we didn’t even know anybody who had adopted or who wanted to adopt. I remember tucking away a silent promise to God that even though we were in no way ready at the time, one day we would be, and that I wouldn’t forget these stirrings. So I guess our adoption journey started with a promise.
Three years followed and so did some miscarried pregnancies. It was the desire of our hearts to birth another baby but something was going wrong. And when your body rejects the desires of your heart for another baby, regardless of how many you already have, it shatters you for a time. My arms felt empty and my heart sore from unfulfilled expectations. And so, I thought, “Well, surely this is God calling our family into adoption. He’s calling me to pull out that silent promise and get ready.” But, alas, He saw fit to fill my womb with baby boy number 3, PeterJames, who landed in my arms in June 2010. And, man, that little boy lit up my world, all of our worlds. He was such an answer to prayer in so many ways.
And yet, it seemed funny to me that each time we had a baby, that desire for adoption would surface almost immediately. And it was amazing that the urge to adopt could be as strong as the urge to be pregnant. Only this time the urge didn’t go away and it just kept growing and growing and growing right along with my son. And just to make sure that I would know this was indeed possible and the time to do it, the Lord began to place all around us, specifically in our church, families who were planning on adopting, and who had adopted. Everywhere. Seriously. Everywhere. And they became our friends. And we loved them. And we loved their kids. And I saw how good and natural and full of life adoption was. And I was in. All in. And that silent promise that I had tucked away so long ago became a big resounding, YES!
But I have a husband! And he needed to say YES! Although we’d been talking about adoption and loved the idea and wanted it for our family, it was hard to get past the question of “How in the world would it happen financially?” So we prayed. I actually had no idea either how that part would happen. All I knew in my heart was that another one of our children was out there! And I knew my husband’s heart. We had had enough conversations about adopting that I knew he wanted to do it and his heart was good and ready, but there seemed to be this brick wall with a huge $$ sign standing in the way of his “Yes”. And, just like God does, He worked.
Brad happens to have coffee pretty frequently with a friend who at the time had six adopted children (now they have eight!). And Brad felt really comfortable talking to him about the money issue and how it was holding him back. And God knew, this is exactly what Brad needed. A sounding board. Someone to tell him and show him, that yes, it’s hard, but God will provide everything we need. We may not have any idea how but He will. We prayed together for a clear and unified answer and he continued to have conversations with his friend who gently and lovingly, I believe helped ease those fears and made adoption seem doable, even for our family. And just, for what it’s worth, before I get to the next part, in case anyone reading this is considering adoption, but keeps hitting the same wall with those $$ signs blasted across it, I’ll never forget something I heard while listening to the radio the November before we made the decision and it was almost like he was speaking directly to me. These aren’t the speaker’s exact words but in essence he asked, if someone somehow got a hold of your biological children and was holding them ransom for an extraordinary amount of money, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to fulfill that ransom and get your children home to you? It’s the same thing with adoption. Once you’ve made the choice for adoption in your heart, your child is out there waiting for you, dependent on you to figure out how to bring them home.
So it was Mother’s Day. Brad and I were sitting outside in the yard while the boys played and once again we were talking about adopting. And although I can’t remember our exact words, I do remember by the end of the conversation Brad saying, “So why aren’t we doing this?” And trying to make sure I really heard what I think I heard to be a Yes, I said “What do you mean?” And confirming my suspicions he said, “Let’s do it. Let’s start.” Okay, so can I tell you about the fireworks that went off in my heart?! Intense. Intense! I thought I would float off my chair. I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I wanted to hop a plane somewhere and get our child! Our child! Somewhere out there was our child! Waiting. Not even knowing it, but waiting for us. And I could see her and hear her and seriously it was like everything changed in the blink of an eye. We no longer had three children. We had four. And for a while after that day, whenever I looked out on the grass I could see her running and playing with her brothers. When I was in the car, I would glance in the rear view mirror and almost expect to see her sitting there next to her brother. She was already a part of our family and I didn’t even know if she was born yet! Happy Mother’s Day to me!
And God had even more plans for our family. In January of the following year, we found out we were expecting our fourth son who was born in September, 2013. Tobias Benjamin. Talk about being thrown for a loop. And talk about a blessing. The boy lights up a room with his eyes and smiles. And although we weren’t expecting his birth since we were knee deep in adoption paperwork, God knew he was coming and now I can see He had the most wonderful timing in mind.
And, I often consider how lacking our family would be without Tobias. And now this little girl to come will be blessed by (most likely) a little brother as well as her bigger brothers. And now we wait for it all to unfold. Still holding our breaths over the how’s and when’s but trusting none the less. Can you pray that our trust would hold strong during those times when we begin to question still how it will all go down? Because, well, we’re human. And we (okay me, more than Brad) can sometimes look around and wonder how in the world we’ll be able to handle another little heart with a bunch of new little needs. As much as we’re excited to meet her, I’m embracing the time of waiting and changing, for all our hearts, in the meantime.
Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
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