Changes

So you would think in an adoption blog, that the title of this post would mean the changes that are coming to our family. A little girl into a family of boys. A child with needs into a family that has essentially no physical handicaps or needs. A mommy/daughter relationship that is about to ensue and a little girl getting to know the unconditional, amazing, and safe love of a daddy.

Well yes, that's going to happen. But no, that's not what this post is about.

Y'all, (I have friends from the south so I'm assuming I can gain custody of that phrase for a bit) I did not know what lurked deep inside me like I know now - this past week especially. I have received vague messages and lack of answers and I've conjured up more why's and what-the-heck's and everything in between. Just everything. And it all came out. My frustration with it all.  And it wasn't pretty. I found myself actually stopping my arm before it threw my phone across the room. I have slammed more cabinet doors than I would like to admit. I have been short with my kids. My mind has been elsewhere. Else. Where. Totally gone. I could be in the middle of a conversation and the grievance of what is happening and not getting to my girl quick enough will grab hold of my mind and I will have to stop the hot tears of injustice before they come tumbling out onto an unsuspecting friend or family member and what was a seemingly pleasant conversation.

I never thought I had anger issues. I don't think I do now (I think it's more like the heart of a mom wanting to grab hold of my much too far away for much too long daughter), but I often wonder, is this what Holy anger feels like? If it is, I'm pretty sure, if He had one, Jesus wouldn't have thrown his phone up against the wall. (I didn't, btw!) :)

But the Holy Spirit. Oh man, thank You Jesus for the Holy Spirit; the Holy Spirit that would swoop in and remind me that I am changed and that HE changes circumstances. Even though this may not seem fair and even though we wanted our girl home months ago, He beckons me to seek Him. He changes circumstances. He changes my heart and He changes what I can SEE in our circumstances. Just as a photographer can change the look, feel, and focus of a scene unfolding before their eyes with a turn of their camera lens, He can change the way I see everything that seemingly doesn't make sense by turning my heart and mind to be refocused on Him. And I picture Him, in the heat of my anger over our separation, grabbing hold of my stubborn minded, this is not fair, pouty face and saying "Look at ME. Look for ME. When everything around you doesn't make sense, girl, look for ME. You can't stop living and loving and TRUSTING. I AM so much bigger."

Because I know if I did stop living and loving and trusting, the enemy would have had his way. But just like I know the outcome of this life, that this is not my home, that this place is not my forever, that my eternity is promised to be in the presence of my King, I know the outcome of this adoption. I know that girl is a Sahlstrom. She bears our name in our hearts without it being written on a piece of paper. She is going to teach us new and wondrous things about being a family that we had no idea existed.

And delayed paperwork cannot change that.

Guys, we're waiting on dates to travel from her region, for a judge to stamp his seal of approval and make our girl, our daughter and sister. Paperwork has been sitting for the past ten weeks, unable to be acted upon until they are pulled up and we get the call to, "Come". This is not a normal wait time to receive dates and nobody I talk to can figure out why we're not hearing anything or there seems to be very little response when attempts to connect, or get answers, have been made.

All I'm asking for right now is prayer. Just pray hard that we would get dates and that even though it looks like we may not be united with her until after the holidays, can you pray that there would be a chance we would all be together for Christmas? Can you pray that these circumstances would be changed while He is changing our view of these circumstances?

It's crazy how much you can miss someone you've never even met before, but I can tell you firsthand that it is!

Thank you, friends! Your love and prayers for our family is overwhelming and cherished.

Our Roller Coaster Summer

This is such a long time in coming. And for so many of you who have been asking, praying, wondering, sending messages about our sweet girl, you have no idea how much it all means to us. There have been so many times during this process, especially after having been matched that I haven't been able to find the words to pray because there's been so many twists and turns, ups and downs but I knew that there were so many praying FOR us. There were many times when I didn't know what to do with what was being thrown at us. And just like the roller coaster pictured, this summer threw our family so many unexpected's, so many highs and lows and a huge, tremendous loss. And over the course of the summer, I thought I could see what God's plans were with the adoption delays that were coming our way, but then something else would come up and I would be baffled yet again. Just like a roller coaster ride, at times I felt like my emotions were so up and down and tangled. We'd come SO close, it would seem, and then bam, we'd head back down to where we were and sometimes it felt like even further back. I know that isn't the case at all because none of it was a surprise to God. He saw all the twists and turns, and ups and downs. And I am so trying to keep my gaze on Him and my heart on the knowledge that no matter how long it takes for us to get to her, that little girl belongs to us. We are her mommy and daddy. Jacob, Caleb, PeterJames, and Tobias are her brothers. Right now, our job is to wait and trust.

And so, with all that, listen to this dream I had about her! Our family and some other family friends were in a room, I'm not really sure why or what we were doing but there we were, and surprisingly enough no one was expecting her to come walking through the door holding hands with one of our friend's daughters. I knew who she was right away of course, and she looked so small but her big, brown eyes were wide-eyed and searching. I slowly went closer to her and she finally spotted me, and knew. And she came to me. She came to me. Willingly, she came. She lifted her arms high into the air to be picked up and I did. I scooped her up and held her tight to me and she held tight to my neck. And every bit of wondering when this would happen, every bit of anxiety and frustration came melting off my heart and shoulders, and I just wept. Then I woke up. :/ Besides being bummed that the dream hadn't been real, the first thing I thought was what a gift that was from God to experience that moment with her. He knows how close my heart feels to her and how strong the longing is to be with her but the reality of our distance can be draining. And even though it wasn't real, it FELT so real and I felt like He gave me a brief moment with my girl before I can actually scoop her up and hold her tight and tell her she's home for real and for good. All I could whisper as I was waking up was, "Thank You."

So here are some ways we'd love for you to enter in. Would you pray that the delays would cease? We learned once again that we are not going anywhere anytime soon....ish. (I have to add the "ish" because who knows what the Lord could do, right?) Pray that the Lord would stir in the hearts of every man and woman who lays their hands upon our girl's paperwork and that they would suddenly and strongly feel a sense of urgency that may not have been there before. Pray for her heart. Her foster mom has been showing her the pictures of our family that we sent to her in a photo book. She is seeing our faces and hearing the words, "Mama", "Daddy", and "big brothers". Pray that she would see and understand. I am hoping that her little fingers would touch our faces, inside that little book, with a sense of wonderment and awe, getting to know each one of us before our faces are there to touch for real. Pray that her heart begins to feel a sense of permanency coming for her and that she would rest in that feeling. Pray that she would begin to feel a desire to be home with us and that there would be no hesitation when we are there to come to us. That dream had a lot to do with what we've been told about her and her fear of strangers (to think that she will possibly look at us as strangers!). In reality, my dream is probably not how our meeting will look, and she will most likely be very hesitant and afraid. But one can dream, right?! :)

Again, thank you for your prayers. We treasure them!

Trusting and Anticipating

When you don't move the mountains
I've needed you to move,
When you don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through,
When you don't give the answers
as I cry out to you,
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.

I've been thinking so much about these words from a song recently. It seemed like forever was taking place before we could get our family matched with a child and now - look at us! Here we are making plans and sending out paperwork, which, by the way, has arrived in Poland as of a couple of days ago - our hearts right there laid out on paper, our wish list with one single thing on it - our little girl. Sometimes when your prayers finally are answered you realize, well, I realize how firmly and securely the Lord was holding my hand through everyday. Everyday. I say that because there hasn't been a single day where that little girl has not been thought about, prayed over, wondered about. There was not a single day before being matched that the question of "when?" was not lifted up, or fearing that an actual adoption may never take place because of life obstacles; not a single day.

But everyday, He never let go of our hands, knowing that He was leading us to the best, most perfect present ever. He knew her face, her name, what she looked like even before we made the decision to adopt, and He knew the ride He was going to take us on to get us to her.  Like being a child in the car, your Daddy strapping you in, telling you you're going on a surprise trip, but not revealing what's waiting at the destination. But you can sit back knowing that, because you can trust your Daddy, wherever He was bringing you it was going to be amazing. So the excitement grows in your heart, and you start wondering what it's going to be like, what you'll see, what you'll feel. I wonder if God is just as excited, looking back in the rearview mirror saying, "I know it's taking a while to get there, but hang on. I know you're gonna LOVE this." The best, most perfect present ever. I'm thinking a whole lot of us can relate even if it's not an adoption you're going through.

However, on the other side of my prayers, our answer was being born - right about the same time Tobias was being born. Our answer was being guided away from danger and into safety. Our answer was learning how to eat, and walk and talk and play. Our God was moving mountains, and He was parting waters, and He was listening to every prayer. God had His eyes on her and on us all at the same time, knowing that one day we'd fuse and become a family.

And if you happen to mention her name to me or want to daydream with me about the growth of our family and how that's happening, don't expect any dry eyes! Oh my goodness, can I tell you the emotions that are brought up when these conversations happen?! I don't ever remember crying and fussing over the anticipation of one of my boys being born from my body! And I loved being pregnant and looking forward to meeting the little person growing inside. This just seems so different. Maybe it's because I know she's already here, waiting for us? I know now what it's like to hold my babies, and knowing that one of my babies is half way around the world waiting to be held and be loved is excruciating! Can I say that again? Excruciating. But we'll make it through. Because just like the 4 years behind us (we started this process in May of 2012), I know, that I know, that I know His hand will be in mine the whole way....right into Poland!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

Here's that song.

It's a Match!!!

So before I started typing out this post I re-read my last post. First, I thought how ironic that this would be the post that follows, and then when I read the words, "and here we are 3 and a half years later wondering when that call will come" I got chills.

THAT CALL HAS COME!!!

Our family received the best, most exciting Christmas present the day after Christmas. I've read countless adoption blogs about how when the phone rang or they saw their case workers name on the caller ID, they just knew. And that was totally the case. The phone rang late in the afternoon. We were all literally just hanging around in the living room and dining room, playing, reading, snacking because that's what you do on Christmas break :), and when I glanced at the caller ID and saw the name of our case worker you wouldn't believe the feelings and thoughts and considerations that flew through my head in, I'm not kidding, a matter of five seconds. "It's the day after Christmas. We just finished updating all of our paperwork again so I shouldn't be hearing from her for months. This is it. It has to be. Why else would she be calling? In three and a half years she's never just called to say Merry Christmas." I did pick up the phone and sure enough she handed us the gift of an end to our wait.

We've been matched with a two year old girl (just FOUR months older than our Tobias) from Poland. Wait? What? Yep. Not Bulgaria. Not much more I can say about that except our God, He is a creative One. For days, our boys were telling us "but we've been praying for Bulgaria! Not Poland!" And I would laugh at their expressions because I wasn't sure if they're minds were just blown and confused at the thought of a whole other country that they don't know and can't readily place on a map or if they were afraid that they're new sister missed out on all those prayers! But it was pretty fun to talk about  how this was not a surprise to God as it was to us. This was His plan all along, to re-route us a bit to the north and a bit to the west. But every one of those prayers was laid upon the heart of the little girl invited into our family...from Poland.

She actually came across our radar three weeks prior. Our case worker sent out a mass email about her with a few pictures. I saw her and immediately thought, "Oh my goodness. She's adorable." And the more I read about her I knew they would find a forever family for her right away. Plus, there was the whole thing with her being from Poland. But still I wanted to know what Brad thought because I knew he had probably checked his email at work and saw her and read about her. So when he came home that night I asked him if he'd seen her picture and he had, and we talked about her shortly, figuring there was no sense pursuing a child that wasn't even from Bulgaria. And we were right. A couple of days later, our case worker sent out a followup email stating that the inquiries could stop and that they had already found a family for her in the two days from her first email. Figured.

Fast forward to December 26th....and the phone call, and our YES, and the rest seems surreal. The family she was matched with was declined by Poland for reasons that seemed insignificant to me but then the more I thought about it, the more obvious it was that, well, God had intentioned her for us! We weren't even one of the families that inquired about her and yet as I was speaking to my case worker that night she said we were one of the first families she thought of to call. A few weeks prior, she had to stop the inquiries and yet she called us. Yes indeed, God had intentioned her for us.

So now we are knee deep in paperwork and phone calls once again, updating everything so that it says Poland. But we're also knee deep in lots of other things, like dreaming of when we can finally be with her, that first smile when we see her, that first hug, hoping that she is home or that we're there with her for her third birthday in June. It's amazing how close she feels to us now having a face and a name. It's hard to believe we're still an ocean apart. And it's amazing the fire that is lit under you when you're making phone calls and filling out paperwork and running and speaking to every government agency you can name when there's a little person on the other end of all that paperwork waiting.

So it's off to Poland we go. Hang on tight, little girl, your family's coming for you.