Adopted

This is SO long overdue. But I think now is more of the right time to be able to share what the past year has looked like for me and my family than it was in the beginning. Plus, it's National Adoption Month, so perfect timing right there. :) But it's kinda long so....pull up a chair.

It's been almost a year since we got the call that let us know we finally received the invitation to travel. November 17th the call came and November 29th, we were boarding a plane to Poland. Almost a year since I sat in my seat on the plane after the craziness that is packing for seven people, making reservations and dealing with school district issues because of the boys not being in school for seven weeks. The craziness of Christmas shopping to have presents Christmas morning in Poland, packing those presents veeerrrry carefully, making phone calls, and every last minute thing you can think of......and I sat, breathing, closing my eyes, picturing, wondering, dreaming, and letting the hot tears sting. I could see her little face in my mind, knowing we were coming for her but not knowing much of what that meant for herself. She felt so close now, but I sat, still not able to conceive how one of my children was so far from me.

Whew.

And then the meeting. The stories of prayers answered in the first hour of meeting our little girl are numerous. Seriously. All the waiting made sense. I never thought I would have said that. His timing made perfect sense. Prayers that we never even considered praying being answered right there in front of us. Her instant relationship with the boys. Her tomboyish nature. Her desire to be in our laps from the first. Her laugh. Her boldness walking out of her foster home without a tear, hand in hand with her mom and dad. The beautiful quietness of the country we were temporarily taking up residence in. The people, the people, the wonderful people. Our apartment. Our landlord. The teachers working with our boys from the States. Voxer. Oh, that sweet, sweet app that allowed me to hear the real life voices of encouragement from amazing friends. And the list goes on and on. It was one of those times with the Lord where you realize how impatient you were being, stomping your proverbial foot, wondering when things were finally going to start going your way. And then His answers come rushing in and you kind of go all bashful and say....."ooooooh. Hmm, I never really thought of all those things." And God gently replies, " Oh....but I did." And then you vow never, ever, ever to doubt Him again. And then you get home, and realize you are human and you should never vow anything to God.

When we got home, I realized how spent I was. I was emotional. I was stressed because even though so many prayers had been answered, I now had so many questions about how to be her mom, to meet all of her needs, to connect with her. I was her mom, but I didn't know her and she didn't know me. I had to learn her and she had to learn me. You can love and love and love, but where there's a lot of baggage, there's a lot of junk to sort through. And all that junk? It tends to get in the way of how your love comes out.

And can I tell you what I'm learning? A lot of that baggage was mine. Still is. And I'm still trying to sort out all the junk and trying to figure out how one little person can so unintentionally require so much breaking and healing from one mama's heart. How one little person can show you how much you still hold onto. How when looking into the mirror of 1 Corinthians 13 recently, the passage about love, that mirror was all blurry and my heart was nowhere to be found within it because I fall short in almost every way. What I did see though was God's love for me. An imperfect mom and wife, trying her hardest to let her heart break wide open to let the love that God has poured into it come out. I saw God's love for me. How perfect it was. That He was keeping track of no wrongs in my heart. Only gently holding it and reminding me that His view of me is not all the ways I fall short or fail. He only sees the work He's doing and has every intention of bringing it to completion in me.

And I'm not trying to bash myself as a mom but when you're sitting in a sermon and your pastor is talking about how people tend to react to difficult situations, the typical responses are to either fight, freeze or flee. And as he described each one, I recognized myself instantly as one who's heart flees. I am so very good at keeping a distance. So good at taking forever and a day to feel deeply connected to someone. So good at finding escape routes emotionally. And with someone else bringing their own "stuff" things can get a little hairy. Someone who can so easily shut out what hurts, or confronts, or disciplines, or pushes, because the people in your life who love you the most, those are the things they do with you, don't they? They can hurt you sometimes because they are so deeply rooted in your heart and their actions and words reverberate within you so much more profoundly than anyone else. They confront you when your heart and attitude and actions aren't right. They offer discipline when you threaten to go your way and when your eyes are set only on yourself. They push you to be what they know you can be, what you may not even see in yourself yet. Phoebe never really received that from anyone but is getting a whole heap of it being a part of a family who considers her their very own. Who planted her so deeply within their hearts before ever meeting her for the first time. And now she's learning that love looks differently than what she's comfortable with at times, and that love comes in so many different ways. That's tough.

But she is adjusting and learning and playing and laughing and running and becoming stronger it seems everyday. I'm learning that her love language is quality time and touch. She loves to read, write, and draw. She will take her notebook and "go do her work, like daddy" whenever she gets a chance. She's the only one who can get her brothers as wild and crazy as she does. Mornings with this girl have never been the same as she comes downstairs more than ready to start the day. She's bummed when she doesn't have homework to do like her brothers. She's not afraid to voice her disagreement with anyone and in any matter. From a little girl who could not hold a utensil the right way because she was always hand fed purees or given a bottle, she's becoming more and more of a champion eater. You can see that this girl is a conqueror and there will be very little to hold her back from the things that she wants to do. Because if she wants to do it, she will. She has a persistent spirit. She still needs to be pushed in much, but then she will show you one day out of the blue that she can do it.

So, I am thankful. During this month when so many are giving thanks and celebrating adoptions, I am grateful. I am grateful that God did not want to leave her or me or Brad or the boys in the place we were and that His way of changing us, our perspectives, and our Hope was to bring us together. Because so many lives have been changed within these four walls since that invitation last November. Maybe I can go into that in another post, about the boys, and the incredibly gentle and guiding hearts I've seen in them. And in the heart of her daddy. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how blessed she is to have Brad. His gentleness and unwavering consistency to all of us and desire to support each one of us in everything we do, to push us to grow in our faith and our lives is something that I treasure immensely. I so look forward to the day when she and all of the boys for that matter can look back and give thanks for their daddy.

So thank you for being so patient with a follow up post about our journey. It's been quite a ride. When it comes down to it, I can say for certain that adoption is a beautiful thing. It's a hard thing. It's a messy thing. But the beauty of all that messy can't help but shine through even through the ugliest times.  And to think, it's not over. Not even close.

And some pictures. I start off with pictures from Poland, then on into the summer and Fall. Watch her grow!

Taking our seats on the plane waiting for take off.

The first meeting. December 1. Hello? How perfectly does she fall into her brothers??

Annnnnd this...she loves and finds tremendous comfort in her biggest brother. Still.

We actually spent a lot of our time at the playground in frigid temps or in the apartment while in Poland....

Or exploring other cities....

Christmas morning.

Daddy's girl.

Flying HOME

First birthday with her family at HOME.

But, how funny is this picture??

The County Fair.  Yay for daddy going on the kiddie rides!

She was a pro on her bike this summer!

Waiting for the bus...

Never been to the beach? No worries. She fought those waves like a champ.

How incredible that Mima lets all of us come stay with her every summer!

The fourth of July.

That day she did her own hair.....

First day of school in September

Little Miss Wonder Woman. Phoebe's first Halloween and the end of a successful soccer season.

Me and my girl.